Title: Take The Time To...
Rating: PG at most, I think
Spoilers: Through "Departure"
Summary: Another "Tess muses in the Granolith" piece; I can't seem to get enough of them. ;)
Author's Note: This came to me after I watched the Third Season Credits online last night, and it finally hit me that Emilie wasn't coming back; reality is settin' in. :( Comments are nice for me! ^_-
When I was growing up, Nacedo was always uprooting us every six months, trying to stay one step ahead of the FBI Special Unit. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to learn as much as I did with the terrible discontinuity of my life.
I did learn early on that Nacedo loved speeding.
I guess it's a universal guy thing and not just a human guy thing because whenever we were on the move, driving down the highway to our next hiding place, the car sped like the damn wind. I'd look out the window on those trips and all I'd see would be blurs of color and the steady black pavement of the long road; after awhile, I'd stop looking out the window because it made me a little queasy.
What's funny is that his driving never really bothered me. Come rain or shine, whether there was open road or a ten-mile traffic jam ahead of us, Nacedo was forever a speed demon. And of course, he never had to worry about tickets; part of my training to control my powers encompassed those pesky police officers that would catch Nacedo in the act. Not once did I complain of the speed or how he could possibly be putting our lives in danger.
Thinking back on it, I realize my entire life went by in the same manner as Nacedo's driving. Always running from everyone and everything at the fastest speeds possible, never taking in the important details and scenery, always thinking of myself first and not caring about anyone else.
That's how it was with Max. I pursued him, without a care in the world toward Liz - an incredibly important detail. When that didn't work, I ran away into my own world trying to fix things for myself...and I almost did with the handy dandy use of my mindwarp on Alex. Of course, me and my selfish ways got Alex killed - something I didn't mean to happen, but since I was so blinded by my self-interest, it did. Once again, I ran and straight into Max, getting myself pregnant and believing everything would be okay once I fulfilled the deal; again, I left out the important detail of Liz. Swimming in the entity that was my selfishness, I failed to see her out of the corner of my eye and she certainly shattered all my hopes and dreams.
Can you believe that was all triggered by Max? I don't, because I know most of it is my fault now, even though it'd be so easy making him the scapegoat. I bet some people would probably even think that he deserves to be the scapegoat.
Looking out the window of the Granolith, the stars fleetingly fly by as streams of light. I quickly turn my head away from the sight; it makes me nauseous.
I hate that it's now - now, when I'm forced to slow down and see all the details for what they are - that I have my big epiphany; it seems so wasted. Remembering Kivar like I do, I know I'll be killed on sight since I'm without Zan, Vilandra, and Rath.
Hmm...there's anther good point. If I knew that I would be killed by Kivar if I didn't arrive as a part of the group of the Royal Four, why did I get on the ship? Don't ask me, I really don't have right answer for that. The only thing I can thing of is that it must've been that runaway mechanism kicking in - live through the cycle long enough it becomes second nature.
Sitting here on the cold floor of this ship, I wish I had paid more attention to the details or allowed myself to slow down just once. I missed all the little things...and all those little things add up to one giant thing that I will have lived without for my entire life and affected its course greatly; yet, I don't know what that little thing is.
Too bad I don't have the power to go back in time and change things, huh?